I used to think Valentine’s Day was one of the dumbest holidays.  It was probably because I was single.  I thought it was a made-up holiday to sell cards, chocolate and roses at triple the price.  Now, it is my favorite holiday for all the reasons below that remind me to be a better spouse.

So I checked the History Channel for some background info.  According to them:

The truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It’s no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.

While some believe that Valentine’s Day is celebrated in the middle of February to commemorate the anniversary of Valentine’s death or burial — which probably occurred around 270 A.D — others claim that the Christian church may have decided to celebrate Valentine’s feast day in the middle of February in an effort to ‘christianize’ celebrations of the pagan Lupercalia festival. In ancient Rome, February was the official beginning of spring and was considered a time for purification. Houses were ritually cleansed by sweeping them out and then sprinkling salt and a type of wheat called spelt throughout their interiors. Lupercalia, which began at the ides of February, February 15, was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, as well as to the Roman founders Romulus and Remus.

According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. (An estimated 2.6 billion cards are sent for Christmas.)  Approximately 85 percent of all valentines are purchased by women.  The men must pick up most of the roses and chocolates.
The first commercial Valentine’s Day greeting cards produced in the U.S. were created in the 1840s by Esther A. Howland. Howland, known as the Mother of the Valentine.  the first cards were elaborate creations with real lace, ribbons and colorful pictures known as “scrap”.  I knew it!  She was a scrapbooker.

Now, it is a day to remember and appreciate your loved ones. 

If you have a significant other this is a wonderful time to reconnect, or ramp up your relationship.  After 12 years of marriage I know life rises and falls with my relationship.  I think a marriage is constant work.  You can never work on it too much.

Blink for your marriage

One of the most interesting  books I have read in a while was Malcolm Gladwell’s “Blink”.  It isn’t a marriage specific book, but a great book on psychology.  One of the more profound things I learned was from a guy who could detect with almost 90% accuracy if a couple would get divorced.  They studied tapes and tapes of couple arguing and it boiled down to one thing.  This is the most destructive behavior in a relationship.

People get divorced for many reasons but this one thing may help you strengthen any relationship you have by recognizing it and not letting it creep in.  Want to know?

It was contempt…huh!  That’s what I thought too.  I think it is tough to describe.

Contempt \Con*tempt”\
1. The act of contemning or despising; the feeling with which one regards that which is esteemed mean, vile, or worthless; disdain; scorn.
2. The state of being despised; disgrace; shame.
The contempt and anger of his lip. –Shak.
3. An act or expression denoting contempt.

Little insults and contempts. –Spectator.

So, what is contempt?

Contempt is any verbal or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than one’s partner. It can take the tone of actual comments, or the contempt may be expressed more clearly thorough the tone of voice or facial expression. Mocking each other, using sarcasm, and throwing out put downs are all examples. They are hurtful, disrespectful, and insulting comments, but often they are cloaked in subtlety or even disguised in “humor”. There is even a universal facial expression associated with contempt- a muscle in the side of the face pulls the lip over to the side and creates a dimple, then the person often rolls the eyes and looks upward, as if pleading to God to stop the insanity.

Examples:

Person 1: I’m lost- I just can’t seem to figure it out.

Contempt: Of course you can’t. You and your whole family couldn’t find their way out of a wet paper sack.

Person 1: Is dinner ready?

Contempt: Is eating all you ever think about anyway?

Person 1: I enjoyed your presentation today.

Contempt: Really? That’s surprising, I didn’t think you’d get the importance.

Action Step: Contempt has NO place in loving partnership. Be on the lookout and ban it from your behavior. There is never an excuse.

Marriage or any close relationships are work and here are a few things that you might enjoy and actions you can start Valentines day.
#1 Fireproof your marriage.  If you haven’t seen the movie “Fireproof”, you should.  What it lacks in Hollywood talent and writing, it makes up for in message and inspiration on relationships that doesn’t come from Hollywood.  I’m very much an action movie guy, but when it comes to my spouse I prefer something we can both enjoy.   It is one of the best movies on marriage I’ve seen.

#2 On that theme, I bought the book “The Love Dare” last night at Target.  It would make a fabulous Valentines day present, if you are serious about making a better life with your spouse, it may be a wonderful thing to start on V’day.  Too bad I spilled the beans here, my wife will read this.  I’ll have to get something else for her.  If you see the movie, email me your review or any other comments about marriage and I have an extra book to give away for the person I think needs it the most.  You can email, facebook (Dave Altman), or twitter me.

#3 My wife and I were in a marriage group and we went through some “get to know your spouse questions”  every month and it was good to have a frame work for conversation.  You may think you know someone, but you might be surprised and amused.  If you want the full 1000 questions, you can get them here…The romantic questions.

Spend Valentine’s day getting to know your significant other a little better.  These would also be especially fabulous questions for anyone who wants to get married.
I’ll give you a few samples from the catagories.

1.  What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing?

2.  Men, what do you think is the best thing about being a guy? Women, what do you think is the best thing about being a female?

3.  If you could live one year of your life all over again without changing a thing, what year would you choose? Why?

4.  Should your sweetheart love you just the way you are, or would you be willing to make some changes (the way you dress, shaving, new hairstyle, etc) to become more attractive to him or her?

5.  Would you rather take a one-week $5000 vacation or would you rather go on three different one-week vacations that cost $1700 each?

6.  Do you enjoy going on long road trips as the driver? As the passenger?

7.  What are three goals you have for this year?

8.  If you could build a vacation home anywhere in the world, where would you build it?

I believe a lot fewer couples would get divorced (or even marry each other in the first place) if they actually knew each other well enough before they got married. Married couples could cut down on a lot of their clashes if they know more about their mate’s thoughts, beliefs and emotions. The best way to get to really know someone is with questions and time talking.  The best time, I think to talk is in the car on a long road trip.

Happy Valentine’s day,
Dr. Altman

P.S. For Valentines for the family, Cards, treats, fun stuff for the kids check this site out for ideas.

Thank goodness, Truth never dies.

After 4 years of tireless work by the International Foundation for Nutrition and Health it has been brought back to life, page by page. As part of a new series I am posting a quick health tip and parts of the book on Twitter. It is called 365 days to a healthier body. You can follow me on Twitter at the address below. As I read something astonishing, this allows me to post it quick and easily. For those of you using Gmail you can add a TwitterGadget to follow easily.

http://twitter.com/docaltman

 * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong. 
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. 
* Life is simpler when you plow around  the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. 
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled. 
* Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight. 
* Forgive your enemies.  It messes up their heads. 
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge. 
* You cannot unsay a cruel word. 
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. 
* The best  sermons are lived, not preached. 
* Most of the stuff people worry about
ain’t never gonna happen, anyway. 
* Don’t judge folks by their relatives. 
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life.  Then when you get older and
think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time. 
* Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none. 
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. 
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
 * The biggest troublemaker you’ll  ever have to deal with,
watches you from the mirror every mornin’.'  
* Always drink upstream from the herd. 
* Good judgment comes from experience, and
a lotta that comes from bad judgment. 
* Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin’ it back in. 
* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence,
try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
* Live simply.  Love generously.  Care deeply.  Speak  kindly.

One of my favorite holidays is Thanksgiving, but for many people, it begins the “most wonderful time of the year”.

The same complaining about how many presents we “must” buy starts. Right? Many long for a simpler time when Christmas must have been more religious. To my surprise, Christmas as we know it has only been celebrated for about the last 200 years in America and England.

Christmas then was a time to PARTY, drink and riot.

or centuries, Christmas was anything but a time to worship. If people did attend church, they often dressed in wild costumes.

Think…Mardi Gras – Halloween, mixed together.

The festivals were a week long, filled with self-indulgence marking the winter solstice and dating back to the Greeks and Romans.

Long before Christ’s birthday, almost every culture celebrated the shortest days of the year. (winter solstice). They looked forward to the longer days.

\\\ We love spring \\\

Mid-winter festivals can be dated all the way back to Babylon and Egypt.

The Romans really partied hard. They celebrated their god of peace and plenty, “Saturnalia”. The festival ran between December 17^th and 24^th . Everything was decorated with flowers and banners and even gifts were exchanged. Slaves and masters partied together.

Even the Roman Christians celebrated the days of sin. The Church was not too happy about this at all.

It took 125 years to celebrate the birth of Christ. Why?

No one actually knew when Christ was born. Most biblical scholars think Christ was born in the spring. So why do we celebrate his birth in December?

You guessed it, to try and counter-act the sin and folly festivals of the winter solstice festivals.

There was never an official date for Christ’s birthday, until Pope Julius I (In 320) got tired of different days being used. He proclaimed December 25^th as Jesus Christ’s birthday. It still took a back seat to the parties.

Many celebrated at the festivals, then repented later.

Sinful Christmas Raged On.

When the Puritans came to America in 1620, they attempted to outlaw Christmas. Churches didn’t even meet. You could have been fined and arrested for celebrating Christmas.

Try that today.

These laws were still in effect through the Revolutionary war. From 1789-1856, Congress even met on December 25^th.

Chaos in New York

As more immigrants came over, naturally, disorder took over again. In New York City in 1828, the riots were so out of hand that they had to have a special police task force just for Christmas.

Christmas As We Know It

In 1822, Clement Clarke Moore, wrote the poem “The Night Before Christmas.” The poem about the jolly old elf was printed in the New York Sentinel in 1823. For the first time, children were an important part of Christmas.

In 1834, Charles Dicken’s A Christmas Carol, was published. The story that stressed family, charity, and hope gave Christmas a wholesome meaning.

Scrooge was a symbol of the Industrial Age, where money and work dominated. Kind of sounds like today’s society. Men worked 12 hour days/ 6 days a week, and children started work often by the age of 8 or 9. This story reflected society at the time and people started reevaluating their values.

SANTA, SCROOGE and CHRIST

With Scrooge, we got to see the real meaning of Christmas. He was instrumental in the evolution of the values we place on Christmas over the next 30 years.

Who Was SANTA?

With the introduction of Clement Clarke Moore’s, St. Nick, suddenly Santa was everywhere.

But Santa wasn’t done.

Moore didn’t describe what he looked like. In 1863, Thomas Nast, was asked to Illustrate “The Night Before Christmas,” for a book. He was an elfin-human figure dressed in red that embodied kindness, gentleness, and jollyness.

More and more details were added to Santa every year, such as his workshop, the fact that he lives at the North Pole and he has a naughty and nice list. These details were added over 22 years of Nast’s illustrations for Harpers Weekly.

1865

Santa is our own invention, but he is based on good Christian men of the past. He was based on the loving and generous men, St. Nicholas and Wenceslas (like the song except he wasn’t a king in real life, he was a Duke). Their nations were built on faith, trust and mercy. Their lives were dedicated to following Christ and the Christian faith.

In an ironic way, the commercialization of Santa brought people away from riots and to a wholesome family time of gathering to celebrate Christ.

Even though Coca-Cola didn’t invent Santa Claus, they were very instrumental in his popularization.

Whatever your faith, this is still a wonderful time of year to gather with friends and family.

If you want a fascinating read, this info came from Stories Behind The Great Traditions of Christmas –by Ace Collins.