I used to think Valentine’s Day was one of the dumbest holidays. It was probably because I was single. I thought it was a made-up holiday to sell cards, chocolate and roses at triple the price. Now, it is my favorite holiday for all the reasons below that remind me to be a better spouse.
So I checked the History Channel for some background info. According to them:
The truth behind the Valentine legends is murky, the stories certainly emphasize his appeal as a sympathetic, heroic, and, most importantly, romantic figure. It’s no surprise that by the Middle Ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in England and France.
While some believe that Valentine’s Day is celebrated in the middle of February to commemorate the anniversary of Valentine’s death or burial — which probably occurred around 270 A.D — others claim that the Christian church may have decided to celebrate Valentine’s feast day in the middle of February in an effort to ‘christianize’ celebrations of the pagan Lupercalia festival. In ancient Rome, February was the official beginning of spring and was considered a time for purification. Houses were ritually cleansed by sweeping them out and then sprinkling salt and a type of wheat called spelt throughout their interiors. Lupercalia, which began at the ides of February, February 15, was a fertility festival dedicated to Faunus, the Roman god of agriculture, as well as to the Roman founders Romulus and Remus.
According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated one billion valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year. (An estimated 2.6 billion cards are sent for Christmas.) Approximately 85 percent of all valentines are purchased by women. The men must pick up most of the roses and chocolates.
The first commercial Valentine’s Day greeting cards produced in the U.S. were created in the 1840s by Esther A. Howland. Howland, known as the Mother of the Valentine. the first cards were elaborate creations with real lace, ribbons and colorful pictures known as “scrap”. I knew it! She was a scrapbooker.
Now, it is a day to remember and appreciate your loved ones.
If you have a significant other this is a wonderful time to reconnect, or ramp up your relationship. After 12 years of marriage I know life rises and falls with my relationship. I think a marriage is constant work. You can never work on it too much.
Blink for your marriage
One of the most interesting books I have read in a while was Malcolm Gladwell’s “Blink”. It isn’t a marriage specific book, but a great book on psychology. One of the more profound things I learned was from a guy who could detect with almost 90% accuracy if a couple would get divorced. They studied tapes and tapes of couple arguing and it boiled down to one thing. This is the most destructive behavior in a relationship.
People get divorced for many reasons but this one thing may help you strengthen any relationship you have by recognizing it and not letting it creep in. Want to know?
It was contempt…huh! That’s what I thought too. I think it is tough to describe.
Contempt \Con*tempt”\
1. The act of contemning or despising; the feeling with which one regards that which is esteemed mean, vile, or worthless; disdain; scorn.
2. The state of being despised; disgrace; shame.
The contempt and anger of his lip. –Shak.
3. An act or expression denoting contempt.
Little insults and contempts. –Spectator.
So, what is contempt?
Contempt is any verbal or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than one’s partner. It can take the tone of actual comments, or the contempt may be expressed more clearly thorough the tone of voice or facial expression. Mocking each other, using sarcasm, and throwing out put downs are all examples. They are hurtful, disrespectful, and insulting comments, but often they are cloaked in subtlety or even disguised in “humor”. There is even a universal facial expression associated with contempt- a muscle in the side of the face pulls the lip over to the side and creates a dimple, then the person often rolls the eyes and looks upward, as if pleading to God to stop the insanity.
Examples:
Person 1: I’m lost- I just can’t seem to figure it out.
Contempt: Of course you can’t. You and your whole family couldn’t find their way out of a wet paper sack.
Person 1: Is dinner ready?
Contempt: Is eating all you ever think about anyway?
Person 1: I enjoyed your presentation today.
Contempt: Really? That’s surprising, I didn’t think you’d get the importance.
Action Step: Contempt has NO place in loving partnership. Be on the lookout and ban it from your behavior. There is never an excuse.
Marriage or any close relationships are work and here are a few things that you might enjoy and actions you can start Valentines day.
#1 Fireproof your marriage. If you haven’t seen the movie “Fireproof”, you should. What it lacks in Hollywood talent and writing, it makes up for in message and inspiration on relationships that doesn’t come from Hollywood. I’m very much an action movie guy, but when it comes to my spouse I prefer something we can both enjoy. It is one of the best movies on marriage I’ve seen.
#2 On that theme, I bought the book “The Love Dare” last night at Target. It would make a fabulous Valentines day present, if you are serious about making a better life with your spouse, it may be a wonderful thing to start on V’day. Too bad I spilled the beans here, my wife will read this. I’ll have to get something else for her. If you see the movie, email me your review or any other comments about marriage and I have an extra book to give away for the person I think needs it the most. You can email, facebook (Dave Altman), or twitter me.
#3 My wife and I were in a marriage group and we went through some “get to know your spouse questions” every month and it was good to have a frame work for conversation. You may think you know someone, but you might be surprised and amused. If you want the full 1000 questions, you can get them here…The romantic questions.
Spend Valentine’s day getting to know your significant other a little better. These would also be especially fabulous questions for anyone who wants to get married.
I’ll give you a few samples from the catagories.
1. What feeling do you have the most difficulty expressing?
2. Men, what do you think is the best thing about being a guy? Women, what do you think is the best thing about being a female?
3. If you could live one year of your life all over again without changing a thing, what year would you choose? Why?
4. Should your sweetheart love you just the way you are, or would you be willing to make some changes (the way you dress, shaving, new hairstyle, etc) to become more attractive to him or her?
5. Would you rather take a one-week $5000 vacation or would you rather go on three different one-week vacations that cost $1700 each?
6. Do you enjoy going on long road trips as the driver? As the passenger?
7. What are three goals you have for this year?
8. If you could build a vacation home anywhere in the world, where would you build it?
I believe a lot fewer couples would get divorced (or even marry each other in the first place) if they actually knew each other well enough before they got married. Married couples could cut down on a lot of their clashes if they know more about their mate’s thoughts, beliefs and emotions. The best way to get to really know someone is with questions and time talking. The best time, I think to talk is in the car on a long road trip.
Happy Valentine’s day,
Dr. Altman
P.S. For Valentines for the family, Cards, treats, fun stuff for the kids check this site out for ideas.
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